confessions from a past life

moments like this are what give meaning to the term "moment of weakness."

i just added a friend of mine from Palestine to my facebook (yes, i have facebook, i just don't use it). i realized i still have an old friend from high school on my facebook friends...one who happens to be in the u.s. military. he and i haven't really spoken since the start of the war in Iraq. i stared at the computer screen for a few minutes, contemplating deleting him. realizing the contradictions of having her and him both called "friend." i didn't do it. why? is it just curiousity? like looking at his facebook page is some kind of window into the life of "the enemy." or is it my own past that i want to look into? a past that includes a friend who voluntarily joined the military. and a present that includes a friend who, however supportive of me she pretends to be, leaves messages on his myspace telling him he's "so hot." i wonder if she posted that when she saw the picture he posted of him in uniform with a gun. who the fuck thinks it's hot for someone to kill people in the name of imperialism? and what the fuck is wrong with me that makes me not just delete this guy from my life and my memory? and what will happen when he comes back here? and ends up hanging out with the friends of mine who do still talk to him? will i see him? and if so, how will i stop myself from yelling at him that i too have seen war, only i have seen it from the other side, and how dare he inflict occupation on people, doesn't he know what occupation means, does, is? when i talk like this to even my closest friends here, they talk to me about "acceptance" and "friendship." so suddenly i'm the bad guy, for wanting to cut him out of my life (even though something stops me from cutting him out of my facebook). suddenly i'm judgemental, and he, despite the fact that he's killing people in a racist and imperialist war, gets to be the tolerant one, because he's willing to "tolerate" me and my radical politics. it makes me want to scream. instead, i'm just posting a blog.